Refusing To Be In Process
Going Viral on TikTok after my first post, it's just like the first time I did a great job stripping down naked in front of strangers for fun... one big set up.
I posted my first Tiktok video four weeks ago and it went viral reaching 1.4 million people and all of a sudden I had clients booking through 2024 for consults, many messages, reach outs from people deep in my past and I was thoroughly overwhelmed.
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I walked around with a pit in my stomach, preoccupied with it in a way that made it hard to put down. I kept asking everyone what to DO about it. Of course lots of people will tell you what to do if you ask: find the things you want to focus on and don’t, sell a course, feed the machine, push merch, etc. Did I need to hire someone? Even if I did, I think I couldn’t escape what I didn’t want to face: I WAS GOING TO HAVE TO BE IN PROCESS WITH THIS.
Being in process is something I’m fine to do on behalf of others (see providing Psychotherapy). It’s also something I’m okay with doing if its private. Or if it’s clear, with clear steps and I’m on my way like earning a graduate degree and everyone can see where I am in the process. But being in process with creatively making content after I got everyone’s attention in this way I wasn’t even planning and now I’m supposed to KEEP impressing everyone with that, or jump on my chance or something. It was too much. I didn’t know what to do. I was going to have to not know what to do in front of people and figure it out. And that my friends is a kind of in process that is very uncomfortable for me. Because it probably means looking BAD at some point. Feeling SHAME. Getting it WRONG. FALLING ON MY FACE in front of people… like I did that time I wore 1,000 tiny googly eyes you couldn’t really see on ugly white underwear on stage… let me explain.
Okay, so here is how starting on Tiktok at viral was the same as starting as a burlesque performer in my twenties. I started burlesque in the same way I start everything which is I saw a burlesque performance for the first time at the Slipper Room (back when it was a tiny place) and I was like - wait, that’s a thing??!! I want to do that thing, that looks so fun. A few manifesting magic months later, I was in my first burlesque workshop with my brand new PETA themed burlesque act to “Wooly Bully”
in which I come out completely in fur-covered everything, and then my trusty sidekick Hot Dog (best friend Lucile) comes in with a big PETA protestor sign and can of red paint out of which she poured red glitter/streamer blood over me and oh no, I guess I have to take off my clothes! It was funny, it was well done, people loved it, I was good at twirling my fuzzy black furry pasties. I was clapped for. My teacher Vic invited me to perform at a band’s record release party and that’s all I needed (and ever need) - one vote of confidence from someone I really admire. I was ready to show up all over town with my act, and I did a few nights later at Murray Hill’s burlesque show at (the old) Galapagos, despite not having the correct number of acts or being on the bill. I killed the show.
But that was my FIRST act friends. It was like almost too easy. I didn’t know what I was doing but I did it pretty well. It wasn’t until I had to make ANOTHER act that things got funky. And that act. It was not brilliant except to say that it was brilliantly bad. I again brought in my sidekick Hot Dog, this time was she my Psychiatrist/Therapist. I start out in a straight jacket, one that was quite cheap and unconvincing, I am the “crazy” patient to “Crazy on You” by Heart
I start getting out of my straight jacket and taunting my Psychiatrist/Hot Dog and running all over the “office” with antics. I strip down to basic white underwear which I pasted with googly eyes all over. From the audience, it’s not totally clear what these things are but googly eyes may not be what you guess. The song is on the longer side for burlesque, almost 5 minutes which is the cut off. My choreography - a loose term for the plan - was boring, erratic and not going anywhere. In short, it was a horrible performance. Boring, confusing, with an unsexy reveal, and giving everything interesting away at the beginning. I didn’t know what I didn’t know until I made the second act my friends.
I was sitting up the other night just being a big ball of anxiety and I realized this. Gretchen, I said, you don’t want to make a second act. You don’t want to show everyone you don’t know what you’re doing with confusing hard to read googly eyes and a boring 5 minutes of running around on the stage with half a straight jacket looking silly. But that’s probably what you are going to have to do. You’re just going to have to keep going and some of what you do/make/create/share/send to 1,400 people or 24,000 people is going to be ridiculous, silly, make you feel bad later looking back maybe? Maybe you will embarrass yourself.
Growing towards our goals, evolving ALWAYS includes being in process in an embarrassing way. In process means learning. Learning means failing. Failing means shame. Keeping going means tolerating that shame and trying again. If you want to meet someone, you have to go on some bad dates. If you want to run a business you have to make hiring mistakes. If you want to be an internet sensation, you have to make bad social media posts. If you want to be a burlesque star you have to strip badly. And even if you hit on something good, you have to be willing to be bad again.
BECAUSE THIS IS HOW WE GET WHAT WE WANT. WE HAVE TO BE IN PROCESS. WE HAVE TO GET IT RIGHT AND THEN BE WILLING TO FALL ON OUR FACE IN TRYING TO GET IT RIGHT AGAIN.
So much of what I haven’t succeeded in in life is not when I haven’t got something good to give, it’s when I won’t be in process with trying to get that good to come out and connect with the world. I’ve just refused. Or I’ve done it somewhat infrequently because I don’t want to commit on a big level to bring in process and really giving it my all, even if I’m giving my all in a bad way sometimes. Or worse, a mediocre way.
But you know who I realized I love SO MUCH?! That 24-year-old Gretchen up on stage. Up on stage wildly swinging around her offensive straight jacket arms with un-readable google eyes, shimmying to her friend/Psychiatrist with no choreography to speak of to a long long song. I love that she just went for it, went big and put her heart into the act. It was horribly embarrassing to watch the footage my roommate Lindsey took on those tiny black tapes you used to record on because this was 2004 people and we had to bring video recorders! And you and nobody else will ever see it because that shit is no longer a thing.
And it doesn’t matter anyway. After that bad act? I made some even BETTER acts. Some legendary acts. But it took making the bad act to get there. I’ve had so many bad acts on the way to building this life I have now.
So, watch me. I’m going to fall on my face with pride. Maybe a couple times. And then I’m going to get up and make something even better. Join me with whatever it is you’re pursuing. This is how you get there. This is the way.
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Thank you for the laughter, the vulnerability and your permission to fall on our faces on our way to something great!!!
I love this SO much. It’s so true. Thanking for sharing this vulnerable, brilliant truth so succinctly. Once again you made me laugh and feel inspired.